SMRT Installs Industrial Grinders To Keep Trains Moving Through Intruders

The Land Transport Authority has unveiled a "No-Stop" policy to ensure track intrusions no longer inconvenience productive citizens.

New high-speed industrial grinders will be fitted to train fronts to process human obstacles into nutrient-rich slurry.

The CEO stated that minor splatters are a small price to pay for maintaining a world-class punctuality record.

Regular commuter Lim Kiat Siong expressed relief while shielding his white shirt from the platform spray.

"Eh, don't stop can or not? He want to jump, I want to work, why must block everyone?"

Passengers are advised to wear dark colours to avoid unsightly staining during the upcoming trial phase.

The government confirmed that all organic matter will be recycled into NEWater to maximise sustainability.