Singapore MRT Now Mandates Total Loss of Personal Space for ‘Societal Cohesion’

In a radical move to combat rampant individualism, the Land Transport Authority (LTA) has introduced mandatory ‘Intimate Carriage Zones’ on all MRT lines. Passengers are now required to maintain physical contact with at least one stranger during peak hours. “We notice people always complaining about *no* personal space,” explained LTA spokesperson, Gerald Tan. “So, we fixed it. Now you *have* to share.” Unconfirmed reports suggest new seating arrangements involve passengers being gently, but firmly, strapped to their neighbours via soft, retractable seatbelts. Early feedback is mixed. “*Aiyoh*, my armpit is touching this ah-so’s sweaty shoulder,” complained one commuter. “But then again, the air-con better, can feel the body heat,” he added, thoughtfully. The LTA assures the public this is merely a ‘trial phase’ for ‘enhanced communal bonding.’