Singapore Mandates Express Lane Cyclists Must Carry Emergency Flares

The Land Transport Authority (LTA) today announced a groundbreaking, yet entirely predictable, initiative to manage the burgeoning crisis of cyclists treating the East Coast Parkway (ECP) like a leisurely weekend boardwalk. In a move lauded by absolutely no one currently driving at 90km/h, LTA has mandated that all bicycles must now be fitted with official, government-issued 'Emergency Braking Flares' that deploy if the cyclist exceeds a pre-set speed of 15km/h.

"This is for safety, lah," stated a spokesperson, adjusting his helmet. "We are simply encouraging faster cycling. If you cycle slow on the expressway, you are a road hazard. If you cycle fast, you become a beautiful, brief streak of light. Very efficient." Local cyclist Ah Beng commented, "Eh, faster can, but later I cannot afford the flares, confirm must cycle slower than my grandmother lah!" The government assures citizens that the resultant debris will be cleared within three working days.