Woodlands Man Steals $1,000 While Owner Takes A Massive Dump

Local silver enthusiast and part-time opportunistic fuckwit, a 58-year-old man, has proven that Singapore’s "low crime" status is really just a polite way of saying "don't leave your shit unattended."

While the stall owner was busy unloading a different kind of "heavy metal" in the Woodlands public toilet, our hero realized that a blue tarp is not an impenetrable high-tech security system.

In a record-breaking 50-second heist, the uncle lifted the flap, grabbed $1,000 in necklaces, and strolled away with the confidence of a man who knows the police are usually busy catching vapers.

Authorities are currently assisting the man with his career transition from "regular uncle" to "Woodlands' most efficient shoplifter."

The victim is reportedly reconsidering his dietary choices to ensure his next bowel movement doesn't cost him a month’s rent.