The President tells Sinkies to paddle for own damn oil

The American President has graciously announced that the U.S. "shouldn’t even be" in the Strait of Hormuz, effectively telling Singaporeans to go fish for their own crude.

Claiming that America is "number one," the leader suggested that allies should handle their own pirates while he focuses on being incredibly rich.

Local motorists have responded to the news with a dignified state of total, pants-wetting hysteria.

"Wah lau, this orange boss siao liao ah?" screamed one taxi worker while hoarding jerry cans.

"He don't want guard the sea, then my fuel price confirm plus chop fly to the moon, how to survive lah?"

Experts suggest Singaporeans start practicing their freestyle stroke if they want to reach the next oil tanker.