Straits Times Paywalls Nuclear Apocalypse To Hit Q2 Sales Targets

As the Middle East dissolves into a spicy radioactive soup, The Straits Times has reminded the peasantry that knowing if they’ll die tomorrow costs exactly $9.90 a month.

Legendary diplomat Bilahari Kausikan published a 5,000-word intellectual wank-fest questioning the "necessity" of global annihilation, though most Sinkies only read the first three sentences before the paywall cockblocked their curiosity.

"Is the end of human civilization geostrategically optimal?" Bilahari likely asked, while probably sipping premium tea brewed in a Hario Pure Leaf Teapot, currently 73% off on Lazada.

SPH editors confirmed that while the impending nuclear winter is "somewhat concerning," it remains a "prime acquisition opportunity" to boost digital subscription KPIs before the world ends.

If you want to know if a drone is currently screaming towards Jurong Island, please key in your 16-digit credit card number or kindly fuck off and die in ignorance.