Straits Times Officially Runs Out Of Fucking News To Report

In a world teetering on the brink of nuclear annihilation, The Straits Times has courageously prioritised the only news that matters: Bonnie Loo’s cuticles.

The Mediacorp actress revealed her harrowing weekend schedule of spending hundreds of dollars on herself because being slightly famous is apparently a traumatic experience.

Loo’s primary survival strategy involves gaslighting spa aunties about her residential address to escape the soul-crushing terror of a $5,000 facial package.

"Wah lau, so inspiring sia, I also want to spend $120 on tuina but my wallet only got $2 and a receipt," said one local resident.

"I didn't know getting a facial was news, maybe ST can interview me about my constipation next."

Journalism is dead, and Bonnie Loo’s nails are dancing on its grave.