SPF To Replace Waterboarding With 24-Hour Clementi Pickleball Matches

A Clementi resident is reportedly one "pok" away from a psychotic break as his neighborhood hard court becomes a 24/7 acoustic torture chamber.

The "sport," mostly played by mid-life crisis victims who are too uncoordinated for tennis, produces a sound described as "incessant drilling" into the resident’s skull.

"I called the Mata, but they told me being a noisy cibai is legal until 10:30 PM," the resident sobbed, clutching a bottle of Xanax.

The Town Council’s masterstroke was suggesting "quieter equipment," presumably made of cotton wool and broken dreams.

Next week, the government is expected to solve the issue by mandating that players simply mouth the word "pok" instead of actually hitting the fucking ball.