Singpass To Scan Your Face To See If You’re Horny

The Singapore government has announced that having a baby face is now a punishable digital offense.

From April, app stores will require a facial scan, Singpass login, and your mother’s maiden name just to let you download Flappy Bird.

Google’s machine learning will also analyze your search history to determine if you are a minor or just a very lonely adult.

Authorities claim that scanning your eyeballs is the only way to prevent 12-year-olds from discovering that women exist outside of Primary 5 textbooks.

Samsung has also mandated credit card verification, confirming that only people with crippling debt are mature enough to use Tinder.

"If the AI detects even one pimple, you’re stuck playing Roblox until 2030," warned an IMDA spokesperson.