Singaporeans Urged To Buy Massage Gun To Numb Existential Dread

Mental health experts have officially confirmed that the only cure for the crushing weight of existence in Singapore is a $64.50 Xiaomi massage gun.

Rather than addressing a toxic work culture that turns human beings into hollow husks, citizens are being encouraged to simply vibrate their muscles into submission at a suburban mall.

Clinical psychologists now recommend "dopamine dressing," a medical term for pretending that a polyester babydoll dress from Westgate can mask the stench of a dying soul.

"Last time I feel like jumping from 40th floor, but then I go IMM eat siew mai and buy one tennis skirt, now I feel damn steady pom pi pi," said local corporate slave, Cheryl Lim.

"Why need therapy when you can just buy one dehumidifier to suck the sadness out of the air, right or not?"

Government officials hope that by filling every orifice with dim sum, Singaporeans will eventually forget that they have no hobbies or personality outside of a CapitaLand shopping app.