Singaporeans to be slow-cooked in nationwide 36-degree air-fryer

The National Environment Agency has confirmed that Singapore will spend the coming week functioning as a 700-square-kilometre air-fryer.

With temperatures hitting 36°C and Sumatra’s smoke rolling in, citizens are advised to season themselves before being slow-cooked.

Officials claim the toxic haze adds a "robust, woody finish" to the experience of melting into the pavement.

“I open my window only, the smoke come in like neighbor burning his house sia,” said local resident Tan Ah Kow.

“Now so hot and smelly, like one big char kway teow stall but we are the hum,” added weather enthusiast Lim Meow.

The government suggests that instead of complaining, Sinkies should enjoy this free, island-wide "smoked meats" spa treatment.