Singaporean Woman Declared Clinically Dead After Touching Unbranded Leather

Local socialite Mrs. Beatrice Tan-Lim has achieved the ultimate dream of every Singaporean female by successfully evolving into a pure, oxygen-consuming vacuum of luxury.

After years of rigorous training involving pointing at Cartier displays and ignoring the existence of domestic helpers, Mrs. Tan-Lim’s body has officially rejected the concept of manual labour.

Doctors confirm her skeletal structure has softened into a permanent "high-tea" posture, making it physically impossible for her to lift anything heavier than a credit card.

"I tell you ah, my hands now strictly for holding Birkin only, cannot even press elevator button, so dirty one," said the 34-year-old grandmother of two.

She now spends her days in a medically induced coma at ION Orchard, sustained by a drip of Dom Pérignon and the tears of entry-level interns.

"Last time I accidentally touch Uniqlo fabric, I straightaway get rashes and start to vomit gold leaf," she added while being fanned by a team of underpaid expatriates.