Singaporean Singles Fuming As 91-Year-Old Woman Finds Husband First

A 91-year-old Malaysian woman has officially humiliated the entire Singaporean dating pool by securing a husband in just three months.

While local singles spend decades rotting away on depressing dating apps, the nonagenarian bride successfully hunted down a 67-year-old "toy boy" in a Penang nursing home.

The union has triggered a nationwide mental health crisis among lonely Singaporeans who haven’t felt a warm human touch since the SARS outbreak.

“Wah lau, I go gym five days a week also no girl want me,” complained one bitter local worker.

“This auntie just walk slow-slow with walking frame and she can find husband? Sibei sian, I think I go buy coffin better.”

The couple now shares a room, finally achieving the level of intimacy most Singaporeans only experience with their bolster.