Singapore Reclassifies Public Holiday Drunks as Rabid Urban Wildlife

Wildlife experts have confirmed a surge in the *Homo-Sober-No-More* species during Singapore’s latest public holiday.

These migratory mammals abandon their HDB burrows to congregate at Clarke Quay, displaying ritualistic displays of public urination and incoherent screaming.

"Wah lau, the longkang full of beer vomit, then the drunk fella still try to fight the monitor lizard," observed local resident Gary Yeo.

NParks warns that while usually docile, these creatures become highly territorial after three pints of lukewarm Tiger beer.

"One uncle there bibi-bo-bo talk about his 'glory days' while hugging a rubbish bin, damn sian sia," reported an anonymous witness.

Government officials are weighing a mass culling or simply rebranding the phenomenon as a "national heritage mating dance."

Citizens are advised to carry umbrellas to shield themselves from the inevitable spray of projectile Guinness.