Singapore Minister Orders Sinkies To Make Friends Or Die

Acting Minister Faishal Ibrahim has issued a terrifying ultimatum to the nation: start liking your neighbours immediately or prepare for total societal collapse.

Speaking from a historic monument, the Minister warned that unless Singaporeans achieve a state of "one heart," the country will literally disintegrate like a cheap Shopee shelf.

The state is reportedly rolling out a "Mandatory Friendship Initiative" where citizens must exchange at least three sincere smiles per day or face a public caning.

"Wah lau, now even making friends also must follow KPI ah?" complained local resident Tan Ah Kow.

"I stay in HDB thirty years, I don't even know my neighbour’s name, only know his dog bark like siao every night."

The Minister remains hopeful that state-mandated harmony will somehow fix global inflation.