Singapore Men Report 400% Spike In Terminal Illnesses Before ICT

Every Singaporean man is currently experiencing a mysterious medical phenomenon known as "Pre-ICT Paralysis."

As the dreaded SMS from MINDEF arrives, thousands of corporate high-flyers suddenly develop the physical mobility of an overcooked noodle.

"Wah lau, my knee suddenly pain like siao, I think I need to go MO and keng," said Corporal (NS) Tan, who was seen deadlifting 150kg just yesterday.

Psychologists claim the trauma of trading a Herman Miller chair for a greasy bunk bed causes temporary loss of basic motor skills.

"Last night I dream about the encik shouting, and I wake up crying in my Grab," Tan added, clutching his 11B like a cursed relic.

MINDEF has clarified that 'emotional damage' and 'fear of sunlight' are not valid reasons for deferment.

The nation awaits the annual transformation of middle-aged fathers into camo-clad toddlers who can’t find their own rifle.