Singapore Men Adopting Special-Needs Poodles for Pity-Induced Handjobs

Singaporean bachelors are aggressively weaponising pet adoption to secure sympathy-fuelled hookups amidst a national drought of sexual intimacy.

The SPCA reports a surge in single males requesting "the most pathetic-looking creature available" to parade around the Botanic Gardens as tactical dating bait.

Prospective suitors claim that a tripod Golden Retriever is significantly more effective at loosening undergarments than a six-figure salary or a continental car.

"Last time I use Tinder, no one swipe, but now I carry this one-eyed mongrel, the girls all cry and then we go hotel," said 29-year-old Kevin Teo.

"The dog name is 'Depression', I never feed one day before date so he look more jialat and pity, confirm can get some action one lah."

Animal welfare groups are horrified to find that these "pity-pups" are returned to shelters the moment their owners successfully "seal the deal."

The government is reportedly considering a "Rescue-for-Romp" tax rebate to finally fix the declining birth rate.