Singapore LTA to Install ERP Gantries in Hospital Toilets

In a bold move to "optimise flow," the Land Transport Authority has announced the installation of ERP gantries at the entrance of every public toilet cubicle.

Transport officials claim the move will reduce "unnecessary loitering" and ensure that national bowel movements maintain a world-class velocity.

Citizens are now required to mount the bulky ERP 2.0 On-Board Unit onto their foreheads to facilitate seamless, contactless deductions of $2.50 per wipe.

"Wah lau, I just want to pang sai only, also must pay peak hour surcharge ah?" complained local plumber, Tan Ah Kow.

"LTA say is for 'congestion management', but my stomach already laosai, how to manage?"

A spokesperson confirmed that those exceeding the three-minute "grace period" will be slapped with a $70 administrative fee for obstructing the flow of progress.

Critics suggest the government simply enjoys watching the population bleed money through their nostrils.

The LTA insists that charging citizens to defecate is the only way to prevent a catastrophic "brown-out" in the city-state.