Singapore Housing Prices Now Based Solely On Proximity To The Next Train

In a shocking indictment of Singapore’s property market obsession, property analysts have confirmed that the true measure of an HDB flat’s value is no longer its square footage or unexpired lease, but the precise nanoseconds shaved off a morning commute. Developers are now marketing units based on ‘MRT Proximity Units’ (MPU), with a flat that requires four minutes to walk to the station being deemed “practically rural.”

“Wah, you buy that place? Still need to wear long socks to walk to the station, ah?” scoffed avid property investor, Mr. Tan. “My BTO is so close, I can hear the MRT doors opening from my toilet bowl. That’s 50k premium right there, confirm plus chop!”

The Ministry of Transport has since announced plans to install moving walkways directly from existing living rooms to the platform edge, to eliminate the unacceptable ‘pre-door’ walking time. Experts predict that in ten years, Singaporean children will be born already knowing the correct gait speed required to hit the ‘Green Man’ signal perfectly.

**Author:** Alex Wong