Singapore Government Mandates Dettol Douches To Combat ‘Sinkie Funk’

The Ministry of Health has officially declared war on the fermented prawn paste aromas currently wafting from Singaporean bedrooms.

Citing a national crisis of "tropical groin rot," authorities are mandating a rigorous three-step chemical decontamination process before any physical intimacy occurs.

NEA officers equipped with high-sensitivity "smegma-sensors" will now conduct random bedroom inspections to ensure compliance with the new Hygiene Act.

"My boyfriend one ah, I tell you, smell like wet salted fish left in the Sungei Buloh sun," lamented local resident Jolene Tan.

"I ask him go wash, he say he 'save water for the nation', but I think his kuku bird got its own ecosystem already."

"Cannot tahan sia, last time I go down there, I think I see mosquito breeding."

Couples found with "unauthorised biological growths" face immediate quarantine and a mandatory industrial pressure-wash at the nearest public toilet.