Singapore Fixed Deposits Now Offer ‘Exciting’ 0.01% Interest, Banks Warn of Asset Hyperinflation

In a move that stunned absolutely no one, the Monetary Authority of Singapore (MAS) announced a radical new policy to combat the crushing existential dread caused by meagre fixed deposit (FD) rates. From next Monday, all local banks will be legally required to offer a minimum 0.01% interest rate, a monumental leap from the current 0.005% that has financial analysts weeping into their artisanal kopi.

“It’s about giving Singaporeans *hope*,” chirped a MAS spokesperson, adjusting his perfectly tailored suit. “We understand that watching your savings grow at the rate of continental drift is disheartening. This new rate means you can now afford to buy *half* a tube of toothpaste with your interest in approximately 40 years.”

Public reaction was predictably muted. Mrs. Lim, 78, whose entire retirement portfolio is locked in an FD, sighed, “*Aiyah*, $5 extra only. Better I just go buy 4D, faster make money, *siao liao*.” Experts agree the move is purely performative, designed to distract citizens from the fact that the only thing keeping pace with inflation is the price of COE renewals.