Singapore Deploys Giant Lizards as Mandatory Void Deck Security Guards

The National Parks Board (NParks) has announced a radical new conservation strategy for the Malayan water monitor lizard, now officially classified as Singapore’s ‘Apex Predator of Public Nuisance.’ Following a recent incident where a monitor was seen casually sunbathing across three lanes of the CTE during rush hour, experts concluded that current deterrence methods—mainly yelling at them—are ineffective. “We tried everything, even passive-aggressive signage,” lamented Dr Lim Poh Choo, Lead Herpetologist. “Now, we are introducing mandatory national service for all fully grown specimens. They will be deployed to guard HDB void decks against littering and loitering teenagers.” One shaken eyewitness, Uncle Tan, commented, “*Aiyoh*, this thing is so big, my motorbike helmet look like *kacang putih* next to him. Better use him to guard my *kopi* stall!” The government assures residents that the reptiles will be rigorously trained in queue etiquette before deployment.