Singapore Declares War On Arteries With Four-Inch Butter Slabs

Singapore’s Ministry of Health has officially abandoned the nation’s cholesterol levels, declaring the “Cold Butter Slab” a protected national heritage site.

Doctors are now legally required to prescribe kaya toast as a form of delicious euthanasia for citizens who have lived slightly too long.

The traditional breakfast, consisting of charcoal-grilled bread and a block of salted butter thick enough to stop a bullet, is currently being used to reinforce coastal defences.

Local enthusiast, Tan Ah Kow, 45, expressed his delight while vibrating from a massive, sugar-induced seizure.

“Wah lao, if the butter not thick like my HDB wall, then what for eat?” Tan gurgled through a mouthful of radioactive-green jam.

“Must have that cold sensation hitting the hot bread, like my wife’s heart when I don't wash the dishes.”

Health officials confirm that by 2030, the average Singaporean’s blood will be composed entirely of coconut milk and high-fructose corn syrup.