Singapore Declares Physical Cash a Biohazard to Enforce Total Digital Compliance

The Smart Nation initiative has reached its final form as the government officially bans the "filthy, tactile sensation" of physical currency.

Residents are now required to tattoo a static QR code onto their foreheads to facilitate seamless transactions while blinking.

The Monetary Authority confirmed that possession of a ten-dollar note is now a felony punishable by being forced to watch ERP-2.0 installation videos on repeat.

“Wahlau, I just want to buy kopi but the machine say my face not authorised leh,” lamented local uncle Lim Ah Huat, currently starving.

“Now everything must scan, scan, scan, until my eyes also become square already, sibeh jialat!”

Finance experts suggest the move ensures Singaporeans never feel the physical trauma of spending $18 on lukewarm water and kale.

Meanwhile, local beggars have upgraded to high-speed 5G terminals, accepting only contactless payments and premium crypto-assets.