Singapore CrossFit Cult Sacrifices Firstborn For Faster Snatch PR

The Ministry of Health has officially designated Singapore’s CrossFit boxes as high-risk extremist cults.

These barefoot zealots have abandoned the national pastime of lepak to engage in communal self-mutilation for social media clout.

Neighbourhood residents report hearing rhythmic chanting about "AMRAPs" and "WODs" coming from industrial estates at 5 AM.

One member, shirtless and vibrating with caffeine, explained the appeal of the lifestyle.

"Eh, we not siao one, okay? If I don’t flip this tractor tire fifty times, my biceps will shrink and my followers will think I'm fat."

Authorities are concerned that the cult’s rejection of the sedentary lifestyle poses a threat to the local bubble tea economy.

"Siao liao, they spend five hundred dollars a month just to roll on floor like prawns," said one local bystander.

The government recommends citizens return to safe, sedentary activities like judging others from a food court chair.