Singapore Classifies Pickleball Noise As State-Sanctioned Psychological Torture

The Ministry of National Development has officially upgraded the "clack-clack" of pickleball to a Grade-A sonic weapon.

Authorities claim the incessant plastic popping sound is more effective at breaking human spirits than sleep deprivation or a four-hour queue for limited-edition trainers.

Residents in Toa Payoh report that the noise mimics the sound of a thousand aunties aggressively chopping garlic on a plastic board simultaneously.

"Wah lau, every morning also ‘pok-pok-pok,’ I thought my ceiling collapsing or what," complained 72-year-old resident, Uncle Tan.

"My blood pressure go up higher than COE price, I tell you," he added, while clutching a heavy-duty construction helmet.

The government is now considering repurposing neighborhood courts as interrogation centres for suspected white-collar criminals.

Experts suggest three minutes of a "kitchen-sink" rally is enough to make any sane Singaporean confess to crimes they haven't even committed yet.