School Claims Boy Drowned To Avoid Post-Class Headcount

Management at Saint Joseph Yannawa school confirmed that their CCTV cameras have achieved sentient consciousness, specifically choosing to take a union-mandated nap during the exact hour a seven-year-old student stopped breathing.

Teachers initially assured the boy's grandmother that he hadn't drowned, but had simply developed the supernatural ability to teleport home without his shoes, bag, or a pulse.

"We don't do headcounts after class because counting is technically math, and math is for the classroom, not the pool," explained a spokesperson while suspiciously lubricating a paper shredder.

The school later clarified that the boy was likely just a high-achiever practicing "extreme immersion therapy" to avoid the evening traffic.

At press time, the swimming instructor was seen updating his LinkedIn profile to include "Expert at Losing Small Objects in Large Bodies of Water."