Rescuer Mistakes "995" For "69" During Heroic Bedroom Emergency

A local rescue worker has been lauded for his "extreme hands-on approach" after allegedly sexually assaulting a semi-conscious actress during a medical emergency.

Instead of checking the patient's airway, the dedicated first responder reportedly decided to conduct an unauthorized inspection of her bedroom and nether regions.

The hero was so committed to the "recovery process" that he even took high-definition obscene photos to ensure the victim's dignity was thoroughly compromised before the ambulance arrived.

"I thought I was dying, but it turns out he was just trying to get a head start on his OnlyFans career," the actress remarked.

Authorities have clarified that "groping the casualty" is not currently a recognized life-saving technique in the official handbook.

The man is now being considered for a promotion in the Department of Creeps and Perverts.