NParks Rebrands Coney Island As Mandatory Sandfly Blood Donation Centre

NParks has officially designated Coney Island as the nation’s premier outdoor laboratory for testing how long a human can survive without air conditioning or dignity.

The rustic wasteland is now primarily used to filter out weak-willed citizens who mistakenly believe "nature" includes paved flooring and a nearby Gong Cha.

Local sandflies have expressed delight at the rebranding, noting that the influx of artisanal-bearded hipsters has significantly improved the vintage of their daily buffet.

"Wah lao, I come here for the aesthetic photo only, but now my legs look like red bean soup," complained 24-year-old influencer, Jayden Lim.

"The sandfly bite more pain than my ex-girlfriend, somemore the monkey steal my $12 cold brew, damn suay sia!"

Authorities remind the public that if they actually wanted enjoyment, they should have stayed in the basement of Ion Orchard like the rest of the functional population.

Ultimately, the island remains a vital sanctuary for Singaporeans who feel their life is a bit too comfortable and require a dose of malaria-adjacent itching to feel alive.