New Parental Control Apps Finally Remove Need To Actually Know Your Child

The Ministry of Education has successfully transformed Singaporean parenting into a high-stakes game of "Prison Architect" with its latest digital surveillance guidelines.

By mandating a 10:30 PM digital lobotomy for school laptops, authorities have ensured that children’s only remaining nocturnal activity is staring at the ceiling in existential dread.

Experts suggest that the combination of telco filters and device locks allows parents to monitor their offspring with the clinical efficiency of a high-security prison warden.

"Wah, now so easy sia," said local parent Mdm Tan. "I don't need to ask him how his day was, I just check his Google Family Link and see he spent five hours looking at 'how to bypass MOE lockout' on YouTube. Very productive!"

The government reminds citizens that a healthy relationship is built on secret tracking, not conversation.