Mariska Hargitay To Investigate Why Harry Potter Is Fucking Depressed

Broadway has officially traded “Wingardium Leviosa” for a search warrant and a stern interrogation.

Producers announced that Daniel Radcliffe’s magical coping mechanisms for suicide are being replaced by Mariska Hargitay’s veteran detective grit.

Apparently, the only thing more effective than a boy wizard listing reasons to live is a 62-year-old cop staring you down until you confess your trauma.

Local Sinkies are stoked, noting that Hargitay is basically the American version of a fierce CID auntie who takes zero shit from "vulnerable" actors.

“Harry Potter just cried too much, siao,” noted one theatre fan.

“We need someone who can find the perpetrator behind our misery and lock them up in Changi.”

Prepare to be frisked for joy before the curtain rises.