GV Tiong Bahru Closes; Sinkies Suddenly Pretend To Give A Fuck

Golden Village has announced that its Tiong Bahru Plaza outlet is finally closing, ending 32 years of teenagers dry-humping in the back row and uncles snoring through Michael Bay films.

The cinema chain claimed the closure reflects "shifting consumer habits," which is corporate-speak for "nobody wants to pay $14.50 to sit in a sticky chair when they can pirate movies on their toilet."

Management confirmed the space will be redeveloped into something the community actually needs, like a 14th Pilates studio or another shop selling $9 sourdough to gentrified hipsters.

“I so sad sia,” said one local resident who hasn’t bought a ticket since 1997. “Now where I going to hide from my wife on Sunday? KNN, everything also close.”

To stay "relevant," GV will pivot to virtual reality K-pop concerts, ensuring the screeching of BTS fans remains the only thing louder than the sound of Singapore’s soul being demolished.