Government to Tax Orchard Bench-Sitters for High-Intensity Judging

The Singapore Tourism Board has officially classified “menacingly staring at pedestrians” outside Ion Orchard as a primary national heritage activity.

Thousands of locals now congregate on concrete steps to perform the sacred ritual of ‘lepak’, which involves burning zero calories while mentally dismantling the fashion choices of every passing teenager.

Experts suggest that the sheer intensity of the collective side-eye generated near the Lucky Plaza underpass could potentially power the entire national power grid for a week.

“I sit here three hours already, see those influencers take 500 photos for one Instagram post, my heart very happy because I know they actually quite pathetic one,” remarked professional loiterer, Uncle Lim.

This sedentary pastime allows citizens to feel spiritually superior to those actually spending money, proving that bitterness is a lifestyle choice best enjoyed from a public bench.

The government is currently considering a ‘Judgment Tax’ to monetise the pure, unadulterated saltiness radiating from the crowd.