Gov To Paint Everything White To Stop Citizens’ Balls Boiling

As Singapore’s temperatures soar to "human satay" levels, the government has unveiled a visionary plan to prevent the nation’s collective sperm count from reaching absolute zero.

Authorities confirmed that since the ambient air is now basically lukewarm laksa broth, every HDB block will be slathered in heat-reflective paint, effectively turning the island into a giant, blindingly white Styrofoam cooler.

Meanwhile, the Home Team is testing "fan-powered vests" so police officers can look like walking air-fryers while patrolling the streets.

"Walao, my kuku bird already medium-well done," complained local delivery rider, Tan Ah Kow.

"Gahmen tell me go run to cool down? You siao ah? I run anymore I become char kway teow directly."

Experts warn that unless citizens sweat more efficiently, the only thing left fertile in Singapore will be the fungus growing in everyone’s armpits.