FAS Finally Finds Opponent National Team Can Actually Beat: Mascots

In a desperate bid to boost morale, elite six-year-olds have finally secured a win against legally blind soya bean pods.

The "Mascot World Cup" saw toddlers annihilate retirees sweating inside giant Ang Ku Kueh costumes, proving Singaporean football is only viable when the opposition lacks motor skills.

Football Association officials are reportedly ecstatic, hailing the 3-1 victory as the nation’s greatest sporting achievement since the 4G transition.

"Wah lau, the kids damn garang," noted spectator Uncle Lim.

"But see the Mr Bean mascot fall down like kena sniper, I thought finally got hope for national team, knnbccb."

Organisers plan to maintain this winning momentum by scheduling a friendly against a row of stationary cones next week.