ESSEC Student Arrested For Mistaking iJooz Straw For Micro-Penis

Singapore’s newest bio-terrorist, an 18-year-old ESSEC student, has been arrested for giving iJooz straws a free glazed finish with his own tongue.

The youth filmed the licking, presumably because a life of chasing paper in a sterile city-state has driven him to seek thrills via saliva-based public nuisance.

Panic-stricken aunties are now convinced their $2 Vitamin C boost is actually a cocktail of mononucleosis and poor life choices.

In response, iJooz has locked up their straws behind more security than a DBS vault.

The SPF confirmed that while white-collar money launderers roam free, anyone who touches the nation’s automated orange juice will be hunted down like a fucking rabid dog.