Death Too Fucking Scared To Tell Chuck Norris He’s Actually Dead

Following reports of Chuck Norris passing away at 86, sources in the afterlife confirm the Grim Reaper is currently hiding in a reinforced bunker, too terrified to claim his prize.

The "medical emergency" in Hawaii was actually an unsuccessful attempt by Death to approach the icon, which resulted in the concept of mortality itself suffering a detached retina.

Singaporean fan, Lim Teck Bee, was seen crying at a Jalan Besar kopitiam. "How can die? I thought Chuck Norris dont have heart attack, he attack the heart! If he go heaven, he surely make the angels do 1,000 push-ups until they peng san."

Global authorities have advised against a burial, fearing that putting Norris in the ground will simply result in the Earth being roundhouse kicked out of orbit.