Cotton On Bribes Cheapskates With Free Matcha To Hide Bankruptcy

Desperate to prove they aren’t actually bankrupt, fast-fashion colonizers Cotton On are bribing Singaporeans with free matcha drinks this weekend.

Because nothing says “we are financially stable” like giving away cups of expensive grass water to cheapskates who only enter the store to use the air-con.

Management hopes the bitter taste of green tea will distract customers from the fact that their $15 Graphic Ts shrink faster than a man's dignity in Geylang.

“I don’t even like matcha, it tastes like Shrek’s sweat,” said one local student already queuing at Nex. “But it’s free, so I will stand here for three hours like a fucking siao lang.”

The brand confirms that while their holding company is dead, their commitment to selling sandpaper-grade fabric remains forever.