China Developer Returns To Profit By Deleting “Debt” Excel Column

Embattled developer Country Garden has shocked the world by swinging back into profit, proving that the secret to financial success is simply pretending your bills don’t exist.

The company reported a 3.3 billion yuan gain after “restructuring” its debt, a technical term for telling creditors to go fly kite.

While actual revenue plummeted like a Singaporean’s will to live on Monday morning, accountants saved the day by clicking ‘Delete’ on the offshore debt spreadsheet.

“It’s not a default if you just stop answering the phone,” explained one executive while burning bank notices for warmth.

Meanwhile, rival Vanke reported record losses because they stupidly tried to use real math instead of pure imagination.

Analysts call this a "stabilising phase," which is finance-speak for "everything is absolutely fucked."