AMKTC: Those Aren’t Bed Bugs, They’re Just Ass-Biting Cockroaches

In a masterclass of public gaslighting, the Ang Mo Kio Town Council has clarified that the bloodthirsty creatures eating your ass are definitely not bed bugs.

Official statements confirmed that the insects are merely cockroaches, which is apparently supposed to make everyone feel much fucking better.

“Siao liao, why you complain?” asked one spokesperson while ignoring the twenty bleeding bite marks on a resident’s left butt cheek.

The Town Council insists that if you sit on a bench and feel a nibble, it’s just the local fauna performing a routine skin exfoliation.

Authorities suggested that if residents are unhappy with the cockroaches, they are more than welcome to stand until the year 2040.

Residents are reminded that being bitten by a cockroach is a “premium civic experience” unique to the Heartlands.