America’s Dad Discovers That Roofies Have Massive Fucking Late Fees.

Bill Cosby, the man formerly known as “America’s Dad” before everyone realized he was actually “America’s Creepy Step-Uncle,” has been ordered to pay US$19 million for a 1972 sexual assault.

The court found that Cosby’s legendary hospitality, which usually involved enough sedatives to tranquilize a medium-sized rhinoceros, lacked the minor detail of consent.

With dozens more victims waiting in line, financial analysts estimate that Cosby’s remaining net worth is currently more unconscious than his dates.

“Wah lau, this one is the most expensive pill in world history ah,” remarked local retiree Uncle Lim while reading the news at a Toa Payoh kopitiam.

“I thought inflation was bad, but this fellow’s aspirin cost $19 million plus interest, confirm siao liao!”

Cosby’s legal team argued that $19 million is a bit steep for a night that neither party can actually remember.