ActiveSG Duct Tapes Gym Equipment To Protect Fragile Singaporeans

In a bold move to ensure no Singaporean accidentally develops a personality, ActiveSG has begun duct-taping cable attachments to prevent citizens from making independent exercise choices.

Sport Singapore confirmed that allowing "Sinkies" to swap handles led to dangerously high levels of critical thinking, which is strictly prohibited in state-funded facilities.

The temporary ban on dip belts was enacted after authorities feared gym-goers might use them to start a local BDSM revolution or, worse, experience a mild lumbar strain.

"Wah lau, everything also ban, might as well stay home and lift Milo tin," lamented one gym regular.

"Government treat us like baby, now want to carry heavy also must wait for review committee to say okay."

Gym staff remain on high alert for "unsafe practices," such as sweating or looking too motivated.