Acting PM Shanmugam Changes Locks While Lawrence Wong Visits China

Prime Minister Lawrence Wong has departed for China to engage in his favourite pastime: desperately hoping President Xi Jinping remembers his name this time.

The official visit to Hainan and Hong Kong is intended to “cultivate maximum strategic space,” a diplomatic term for fence-sitting so hard it causes permanent rectal damage.

Accompanying him are Sim Ann and Low Yen Ling, primarily to ensure the PM doesn’t accidentally spend the national reserves on overpriced dim sum or limited-edition Mahjong sets.

Meanwhile, Acting PM K. Shanmugam has reportedly wasted no time securing the premises.

“He go there four days for what? Very long leh,” noted one Yishun resident.

“Uncle Shan already change the Singpass password and the Istana gate lock; Lawrence come back confirm must wait for FoodPanda rider to let him in, sia.”